MASC X MASK

Now, this is a special one. A self-portrait based on a meticulously curated photograph in which, I think, I look attractive. I made it in a moment of extreme vulnerability, with purpose (1. I wanted to tell this story — 2. I needed a landing image for the website), but also in an attempt to find in my own face that hidden light that I have seen dim so many times.

The photo itself made me look very “masc”, as in masculine. I felt like shit at the time — abandoned, unwanted — and I needed a bit of attention, validation. Looking “masc” has always worked for that purpose. But at the same time, I was also questioning and revisiting my childhood, remembering the moment when I forced myself to become “masc”. I changed the way I walked and talked, my posture, my haircut, my clothes — trying to fit in, trying not to get “the wrong kind” of attention.

The idea of being bullied, shouted at in the street, rejected, even attacked because of homophobia scared the hell out of me and pushed me to become more “masc”. But looking back, I realise that what I really did was ‘build a mask’ — one made of repression, self-censorship, frustration, loneliness, and a lot of pain — because I didn’t allow myself to be who I was meant to be. I put on the “masc mask” and became someone else, someone who would be safe.

I have to admit that today I like to look “masc”. But I often wonder what would have happened if I had been braver and had never worn that mask. Who would I be if I hadn’t become who I am?